They are: the traumatized virus victim, the two-fingered typist, the DIY optimist, the blinkered office-worker, the obnoxious expert, the upgrade fanatic, the fixer, the PC evangelist, the addict and the GTD maniac. It’s time for a bit of fun with our first ‘Unplug’ column.
Which one are you? If you’re a Mac user, you probably have a friend who matches one of these descriptions.
* Note: I use a PC for gaming/media and a Mac for work, and I like them both. This isn’t an anti-PC article.
PC user breed #1
The traumatized virus victim
How to spot one:
Will not open any email attachments you send, including images, documents and MP3s. Burn them a CD of music and they’ll ask if they can get a virus from it. Will decline to accept images and MP3s sent over IM “Just in case”. Will usually be running five or six Anti-Virus programs which pop up every few seconds, but somehow manage to get a new virus every other day. Have stopped deleting the ‘Online Casino’ shortcuts from their desktop. Have not yet discovered how to turn on a Firewall and have no desire to learn.
The highs:
Easily impressed by any computer that works.
The lows:
Will remain paranoid and impervious to logic on any computer-related topic.
PC user breed #2
The two-fingered typist
How to spot one:
As per this breed’s namesake, the two-fingered typist will use the index finger of each hand for all keyboard use, usually involving much more force than is necessary. This also goes for clicking the mouse. Two-fingered typists don’t understand computers and are proud of the fact. They won’t retain any computer related information, so don’t bother trying to teach them. They’ll routinely (and possibly deliberately) mispronounce common computer terms or use them in the wrong context. My mother calls Firefox “Mottzilla”.
The highs:
Endlessly amusing.
The lows:
Showing your dad how to send an email for literally the fifth or sixth time.
PC User breed #3
The DIY optimist
How to spot one:
Excited by the prospect of maximum performance and low-cost repairs, the DIY optimist sees actual technical knowledge as unnecessary in the pursuit of PC perfection. BIOS is not a computer’s central nervous system — to the DIY optimist, it’s a playground: a place to change variables and “See what happens.” The occasional BSOD is to be expected. It will usually take the destruction of one or more CPUs before this breed will concede defeat and call a repair shop.
The highs:
When it works, it works. DIY optimists tend to get there eventually (though a few parts might be confined to the scrap-heap along the way).
The lows:
When it fails, it fails catastrophically. DIY optimists can turn a minor RAM allocation problem into a hazardous electrical fire with seemingly very little effort.
PC User breed #4
The blinkered office-worker
How to spot one:
Has been using a computer for 12 years but will rave to you about a cute little program they just discovered called ‘Paint’. Can create multi-layered tables and a complicated footnote system in Word but can’t work out how to change their screen resolution. Will use the internet only to do things they already know how to do offline (i.e. read the paper, check weather and send greeting cards). Discovered ‘Solitaire’ five years ago and have never turned back.
The highs:
Associate computers with mind-numbing work and thus spend as little time as possible using them after hours. Tend to be more tanned than the rest of us.
The lows:
Extremely adverse to trying anything new and computer-related.
PC User breed #5
The obnoxious expert
How to spot one:
Knows a lot about computers and is not content to do so quietly. Can usually be found accumulating an insanely high forum post count primarily by answering tech or gaming related questions with a heavy dose of subtle humiliation. Will disagree with everything and everyone. Uses the word “Obviously” as much as possible.
The highs:
When you can wade through the disdain far enough to extract a nugget of useful advice.
The lows:
When you find out that the freelancer you just contracted is one of these guys.
PC user breed #6
The upgrade fanatic
How to spot one:
You’ll usually spot their PC tower first as a beam of neon shoots into your eye and temporarily blinds you. When you regain your vision you’ll see a vaguely rectangular object which looks a little bit like a miniature alien spaceship with spinning objects, lasers and drifting motes of dry ice inside. If the owner isn’t around, he’ll probably be at the mailbox picking up a new shipment of neon tubing. The crazed modder’s PC will usually be worth at least twice as much as their car.
The highs:
Will eagerly install new hardware for you and may even give you hand-me-down parts which are probably three or four times better than what you’re currently using.
The lows:
They pour thousands upon thousands of dollars into an object that, over time, depreciates almost as fast as underwear.
PC user breed #7
The fixer
How to spot one:
Their PC runs like a dream. They Defrag several times a month, perform regular virus checks and have installed a complicated network of firewalls. If something does go wrong, will insist on fixing the problem personally rather than pay a repair center to do it, almost as a matter of honor. Will volunteer to “help fix” any computer that doesn’t run to their high standards (i.e. any computer other than their own).
The highs:
Can be genuinely useful, particularly when paired with a traumatized virus victim or two-fingered typist.
The lows:
Will chastise you for not fixing that critical hard drive failure yourself.
PC user breed #8
The PC evangelist
How to spot one:
Hates Macs with remarkable intensity, despite having never used one long enough to understand how they work. Will start an argument with every Mac user they encounter and belittle them for their choice of OS. Will claim that PCs must be superior because so many more people use them (logic that also makes Akon a superior musician to Sufjan Stevens, because more people buy Akon’s albums). Can usually be seen with an iPod in one ear and an iPhone pressed to the other.
* Note: Mac evangelists are just as annoying.
The highs:
Great conversation-starter for fellow PC users.
The lows:
Does not mix well with Mac users.
PC user breed #9
The addict
How to spot one:
All phone conversations with addicts will be characterized by the faint sound of typing and delayed one-word responses that often don’t quite line up with the question you asked. Will usually only leave the room containing their computer to relieve themselves or scavenge for food and water (unless they’re playing World of Warcraft, in which case these things are not always sufficient motivations… ouch). Will indicate that they want you to stop bothering them by looking intently at the computer screen as they answer your questions. You probably won’t see the person much for the duration of the addiction.
The highs:
Quite good if you don’t like the person much (for example, a weird house-mate).
The lows:
Bad if you like the person (for example, a spouse).
PC user breed #10
The GTD maniac
How to spot one:
Will spend many hours setting up and refining a complicated folder system which saves less time than is spent on maintaining it. Is plagued by constant guilt because they’re “Not doing it properly.” Regards anything other than a blank desktop as “clutter”. Will allocate a weekly “clean up” session, even if there’s nothing to clean. Will delete important files rather than store them, even if they have a 400 Gigabyte hard drive with 380 Gigabytes free.
The highs:
Will achieve occasional ’serene’ states where they feel like everything is perfectly ordered and as it should be.
The lows:
Usually fail to realize that a highly complicated, regimental productivity system is a symptom of over-work, not a cure for it.
* * *
Kudos to Jack Knight for the inspiration.
If you liked this post, please give it a Digg or a Stumble via the links below. Thanks!
Photo by The Wandering Angel.
69 Responses
What about the normal everyday guy/girl pc user? Regardless of your intent this article basically adopts the mentality of all those Mac commercials. Sure, the people you mentioned here may exist, but really a great portion of people out there have a decent knowledge of their PC, without being either completely clueless or an “an obnoxious expert.”
Of course I know you know that and I’m sure you didn’t mean anything by this post, but it just seems kinda silly - probably the intent in fact
And no I’m not a “PC evangelist” for making this comment.
Its just that a lot of those mac commercials annoy me and this kinda reminded me of them ;).
@ Dave: The computer I use in my home office is a PC and I have nothing against them at all — but I think we need the ability to poke a bit of fun at ourselves. The 10 breeds are caricatures, of course, but they were meant to be, for the purpose of a bit of affectionate satire and comic relief.
I don’t think this can be compared to the Mac commercials because their intent is to sell their own product by making another product look bad. I’m not trying to do that at all.
Has it really gotten so bad that we can’t affectionately joke about ourselves? I hope it hasn’t.
You spotted me! I am the PC Breed #9. I didn’t realize this until my wife hung up on me when she called me from work one day. I guess she heard my fingers hacking away on the keyboard and I was “supposedly” saying the words I was typing every once in a while, while I was talking to her. Well, so there it is I am addicted to the computer and I personally think it’s a good thing.
I have since then become better at my addiction though. I still am on the computer most of the day when time allows and I do tend to listen to my wife and respond with words that makes sense to her. By the way, I manage my addiction pretty well between the computer and my family. Of course, my first addiction is my family as my life without them would be non existent and computer is my addiction as life as it is at times seems to run better online than it does offline
Great post Skellie! And I don’t think it hasn’t gotten that bad and every once in a while we do need to make fun and tickle some funny bones.
Skellie, take any blow-back from your humorous PC profiles as a sign of being all too-well crafted. When we lose our ability to laugh at ourselves, we become truly blind to the humor that is everywhere in the world.
@ Ritu: I’m guilty of that one too, but having also been on the other end of the phone line, I’m trying to reform myself :-).
@ Ed: Thanks Ed, I appreciate it. There’s always the risk that anyone reading the headline and taking 30 seconds to scan the piece will misunderstand it, but I think anyone who reads the detail will see that it’s written by someone who knows and loves PCs :-).
Haha, I love this post! It’s so true. I know at least one of every type. Despite my friends that are #8, I’m a dedicated Mac user.
Great Post. Dugg.
@ Zach: Hehe, you’re brave :-). Thanks for the Digg.
OH MY GOSH!!!!!
That is hilarious!!!!!
I am the Mac Evangelist through and through.
lol
I think I fit into #7 best, but I do type in an untraditional way… I search and peck, but without the searching… and I use more than two figures.
Loved it.
I’m 5,7, 9 and 10.
oh man, I was looking forward to the Mac evangelist piece. I hope you do a follow up. This post cracked me up.
I thought of a person for just about every breed of user.
Great article.
@ Brian Purkiss: One thing I’m wondering is what the Mac list would look like — maybe that should be the sequel ;-). Any recommendations for different breeds of Mac user?
@ Dan Cole: I love the ‘Search and peck’ phrase… my dad’s computer use habits summed up in three words!
@ Engtech: Cheers. I think I’ve comfortably settled on #7 and #9 at the moment, but I’ve moonlighted as 3, 5, 8 and 10!
@ Dave Conrey: I’m thinking about it! What breeds of Mac user would you suggest?
@ Andrew: I’m thinking each description is based on someone I know, too ;-).
I am speechless!
You deserve an Academy Award for the best screeplay for this article.
Skellie, you are not of this world!
Nice post Skellie,
P.C.’s , I just hate the bloody things! Evil necessity, maybe I should try a Mac……..
keep up the great blogging, very proud for you.
Frank
Nice site, and funny article! Found the site through SU to this page and thought I’d let you know GOOD JOB! Nothing beats a good laugh after an especially depressing day! Thanks
http://dnyde.net
I’m basically #7, #9, and #10. Yikes! I loved this article, Skellie, it was definitely hilarious. Keep it up.
I am trying to figure out just which category of PC user I fall into. No question I fall into at least one category.
Great post!
7 and 9 for me, I was forced into a 7 just because I work in IT which automatically means that I know everything about all software and hardware and why someones PC wont print.
I am a self imposed 9 though but I am in rehab
Almost like Merit Badges, or Belts of Accomplishment
.. I could recognize myself in this “10 Step Program”
Hey, I’m a one fingered typist.. and pretty fast with it.
But I can hold a phone or eat while typing: none of you real typists can
I earn most of my living from support, but I have no disdain at all. I have nothing but empathy for anyone with a ‘puter problem..
BTW: anyone who is defragging regularly is just wasting their time. That’s almost never necessary with modern systems.
I am a Mac evangelist also.. but I tell people that while I know they’d be happier in the long run with a Mac, switching can be hard, especially for “power users”. If they want to stay with Windows, it’s OK with me.. just don’t ask me to help you
What about Linux users?
Surely we are a type of computer user?
Linux evangelist!
I hate thous silly MAC adds too. But I don’t hate mac users. Nore do I hate MACs persay. But I still don’;t understand why you made this posting…….Tao Brisbane Australia
Hey, loved the artical but where are the ‘hardcore’ PC users, i.e. nerds?
The obsesive and compusive who slave to the computer and internet?
Looking through each one I found a part of me who I am but none really defiend those who atually do know alot and help in a community?
this is cool, and funny, maybe there are a few more categories that can be made, i’m a 7, 8, 10.
im the fixer\addict and my friends the virus victim\two finger typeist but after over a year of his incompitence and stupid questions that make no sense im slowly turning into the obnoxious expert
I type with two fingers and I’m pretty fast. I’m also quite sure I’ve forgotten more about computers than you’ll ever know.
you forgot the wanna be hacker type… also, I think richard stallman deserves a category by himself
awesome read, thanks!
thats awsome……… its true too..
Brilliant post - but I’m feeling guilty. I do that phone/typing thing when someone has talked for too long - although sometimes I use the time to check my stats instead!
heeyy! i type with two fingers! i understand comps perfectly well! like steve im also pretty fast typer
everyone I know that uses a computer falls into one or more of these catagories. personally, I’m a fixer (no. 7)
Why did you delete my comment???
You can choose to ignore me, but deleting a comment when it isn’t spam and contain a valid point is fowl practice when it comes to blogging.
Linux is an operating system and there are Linux users.
Sorry, I guess I overlooked my own comment.
Having a bad day
Mix of the GTD and Addict here.
I have no icons on my desktop. =\
That was AWESOME! Skellie, you got funny! I’m so impressed! I am a wannabe 10, quite possibly more pathetic than any other person on the list. The only thing worse than a GTD fanatic is a GTD fanatic who’s not actually Getting Things Done.
Funny,very funny.I’ve used Win XP,OSx,Ubuntu and classed myself as probably all 10 of those!!.Decided to pull the dust cover off the Commodore C64 as C64 basic rules(whimper,whimper) LOL!!!.
hey, just subscribed to your site and I had to reply to this one! I’m an addict (WoW is fun ok?!) my husband is the DIY optimist, and my dad is the 2-finger typist - he drives me nuts with the “but I don’t need to know it so I’m not going to learn it” attitude!
anyway, great blog, I look forward to reading more
Teehee i’m only a PC evangelist because i love to build my PCs myself. I also like to play games. And edit photos… and make movies… and record music… and write programs…
Good thing my PC does all of that, contrary to popular belief!
I’m giving this a thumbs up for the pimp ass digg/stumble scriptie with the counts at the end of the post. Sweet stuff, never seen that before! - good post too
Ok, just scrolling dwn I have become disturbed by the number of people who have gotten angry or disturbingly happy, to all of them, I say…
THIS IS FUNNY, DROP IT. GOOD DOG.
Very funny I gave it a thumb up and sent a link to some people I think would enjoy it.
Absolutely a toot! I recognize myself as #3. I’ve even managed to hose a Linux box! No smoke yet, but I’m keeping a box a baking soda nearby, just in case
Hahaha nice Skellie!
I am nearly no.7 without the low points.
Don;t forget the Open Source evangelists, they can be quite vocal when pointing out that their chosen OS is better than yours,.
Bah.. I’m number 9 and parents are.. I dunno yet.. weird
Shit, I’m about 4 of these at once…
way to go self-esteem!
At # 13 Comes the PC Journalist who enjoys fiddling with “cool” and “new” technology.Whose left writing a string of “funny” and “Witty” article when his/he mind draws a blank for that weeks 500 word piece column thats got to be in by the end of the day but the batteries just went flat on the new item.
What about Linux evangelists, of which I am one….?
What about linux? You need an 11th category for the linux pc hacker who wants to always go the long way round and read difficult instructions just to change the look of his taskbar!
That made me chuckle! Thanks, but i’m a Linux evangelist.
Well that made me laugh… and i fit in to the last four categories… o woe is me…
lol! I’m the “Fixer” and I used to be “PC evangelist” but I had a change of heart.
I used Mac for a week now and it’s pretty good. I want the MacPro desktop PC. That thing is a beast; up to 16gb of RAM! And can power the latest and greatest Video card due to its awesome power supply. Added bonus, it can run Windows! =D
HAH nice! I’m the fixer guy, combined with the upgrade guy. I spend a crapload of money and refuse to go to a store.
I’m a designer, so I always have the Mac battle, I’m convinced that I can do everything better with a PC.
Anyone who really knows computers will get this post. Anyone who has ever worked in a computer driven corporation or in IT knows these people personally.
Those of you who have Vista and regularly get “LOLcats” in your email probably don’t, like the very first poster on the list.
Good stuff!!!!
the ‘PC evangelist’ should be changed to plain old ‘evangelist.’
This is the person who has discovered the ‘one true way,’ whether it’s macs, Linux, BSD, windows, intel, AMD, what have you. This person is a zealot for their chosen platform, and takes every opportunity to try to convert others. These individuals will frequently become hostile to any audience who’s not receptive to their views. Generally typified with smug, superior attitudes.
Thats great I know someone who totally is #10. Everytime they use my computer they say, “Geez your desktop is a mess”, or “Your folders don’t have any reason to them” and it is highly annoying. But besides that the rest are pretty common and I know one of every type at least, since I am a bit of a nerd myself.
Really funny! I know at least one person that fits in each category, including myself - and I’m a Mac user…
I’ve worked quite a bit on both Macs and PC’s, doing hardware reconfiguration/upgrades as well as working in high end performance-demanding motion graphics software and digital video post production work with major NLE systems including ones such as Final Cut pro, Avid, Sony Vegas, and Adobe Premiere.
If someone wanted to buy a computer and asked if they should get a PC or a Mac, I would ask them these two questions.
1) Explain to me what RAM is and what purposes do a motherboard and a CPU serve?
2) How much money are you looking to spend?
If they securely answer the first question but, give a low ball answer for the second, I refer a PC.
If they fail the first question and give a high number on the second, I refer them to buy a Mac.
**If they at any point admit to liking non-Flash games, I direct them to a PC.
***If they at any point in our conversation try to rationalize their recent overpriced purchase of an iphone or ipod, I refer them to http://www.giveusallyourmoney.com/.
I am definitely a Mac evangelist.
I think you need the Gamer, I have a couple friends that sit at home all day on there pc and play games. Usually its not a hole bunch of games its a certain game. They play all the time and if you ask if they want to hang out they always give the excuse that they are gaming.
I am no. 7 and no. 8
#7 - Hey! I resemble that comment!
#9 - Oh, god, I know these people… and call them my friends. :-S
I’m both #9 and #10… I have no icons on my desktop because they irritate me.
My wife laughed at this and said I was #7 which I guess sounds about right as about 95% of my friends fit into #1
Having been a PC user for many years , I was reticent to switch to Mac.
Now I have discovered, that with Mac I don’t need to create new copy, Mac does it all for me while I watch TV and drink tea all day.
Of course Mac has blatantly ripped PC off by copying the keyboard layout.
When it comes to writing Mac wins hands down!
I’m looking forward to the day it switches itself on and off so that I really don’t need to do anything at all. Great da! I want dat one. The Baldchemist
As long as I take care of my PC, it works fine. I do understand how easy it is to mess something up on a PC as opposed to a mac, But I’m a PC and I love it…